Not a mother, but a cuckoo
Where are you off to? Im askingwhat have you gotten yourself into?
My brothers harsh shout snapped me out of the morning reverie. I pushed myself up on my elbows on the narrow bed in the guestroom, ears straining for sounds beyond the thin plaster wall. For the past fortnight I had been staying with my elder brother, James, while I hunted for work and a flat of my own down in London. The move had been a struggle, but there was no alternativemy hometown offered no prospects.
Suddenly the flat was filled with a piercing infant wail. Fourmonthold Tommy had been roused by his parents argument. I winced, sat on the edge of the bed and tugged my robe tighter.
I’m interviewing for a job, Lena, Jamess wife, murmured from the kitchen, her voice muffled.
Interview? Are you mad? James barked, his volume rising. You have a newborn! What work could you possibly be thinking of? Your place is here, with the baby!
I waited for Lenas reply, but only silence settled over the flat. Tommys cries continued, then the sharp slam of the front door as Lena stormed out.
I left the room and made my way to the kitchen. James stood in the centre, cradling the screaming infant with trembling hands. Anger and helplessness warred across his face.
Always the same, he muttered when he saw me. She abandons the child and runs off to her own affairs.
Silently I took the baby from his arms. The little one gradually calmed, nestling his cheek against my shoulder. James sank heavily into a chair, his palms rubbing his forehead.
Lenas lost her mind, he continued, staring into emptiness. How can she leave a toddler and worry about some job? At least my holiday has started, so I can keep an eye on Tommy.
I rocked the sleepy infant gently, turning his words over in my mind.
James, perhaps you should speak to Lena calmly, without shouting, I suggested softly. She may be having problems. Postnatal depression affects many women. She might need a professionals help.
James waved me away as if I were a bothersome fly.
Depression? Nonsense! Lena has always been a free spirit, a careerwoman. I hoped shed settle after the baby, become a proper mother. She doesnt seem to be changing a bit. She could care less about the child!
I wanted to argue, but stayed quiet. At last Tommy drifted off, and I placed him carefully in his cot.
Lena returned only at dusk. I was tucking Tommy in when the lock clicked. She passed the nursery without looking inside. I stepped into the hallway and saw her silently preparing her supper in the kitchen. James sat in the sittingroom before the telly, deliberately refusing to speak to his wife.
The atmosphere in the flat grew unbearable. I hurried to my own room and dialed my mother.
Mum, you wont believe whats happening here, I whispered into the receiver, recounting the days events.
My mother sighed heavily on the other end.
Yes, dear, Lena has been like that since the baby was born. James has complained to me many times. It seems her maternal instinct never woke. My own boy, how hard it must be for him. And to think of what the child feels with a living motherI cant imagine
After that call I lay in bed for hours, baffled. I remembered Lena before her pregnancy: a sweet, kind, helpful woman. James was head over heels for her. Now she showed a chilling indifference to her own child and to her husband. Something was terribly wrong.
Lena would leave the house for hours on end, disappearing from dawn till night, leaving James alone with the infant. He would take Tommy to the shop, on walks, trying to juggle childcare with household chores. I helped where I could, but I knew this could not go on forever.
A week later Lena came home with bright eyes. For the first time I saw a hint of a smile on her face.
Ive found a job, she announced at dinner.
James froze midspoon, his face paling.
Youre joking, are you? he growled. You have a fourmonthold! You should be looking after him, not dashing off to offices!
Lena replied coldly, This is my life.
James leapt from his seat. Youre selfish! You think only of yourself! Its wrong! Youre a mother; your place is beside the child!
I watched Lena withdraw into herself, stand silently, and retreat to the bedroom. We never saw her again that night.
The next day James and I took Tommy for a walk in the park. James pushed the pram, never stopping his complaints.
See how she treats him? Our own son, and she doesnt give a toss, he said, eyeing the sleeping baby. She never picks him up, never kisses, never hugs. What mother is she? Not a mother, but a cuckoo!
I said nothing, unsure what to answer. I felt sorry for my brother, yet something inside warned me that the story was not as simple as it seemed.
We returned home after a couple of hours to a suspiciously quiet flat. I flicked on the hallway light.
Lena? You home? I called.
Silence. I walked through each roomkitchen empty, sittingroom likewise. James, Tommy in his arms, headed toward the bedroom. I heard James gulp a breath sharply and rushed to him.
He stood before an open wardrobe, half the shelves bare. Lenas belongings were gone.
Shes gone James exhaled hoarsely.
He sank onto the bed, still cradling his son, his shoulders trembling.
Ungrateful! After everything Ive done for her! he shouted. I gave her everythingflat, love, marriage, a child! And she just walks away!
I sat beside him, trying to soothe him, while a cold dread settled in my gut.
James, what could have driven her to this? Tell me honestly what happened between you two.
James lifted his reddened eyes to me, then fell silent, gathering his thoughts.
The pregnancy was accidental, he finally said, voice raw. Lena didnt want a child. She said she wasnt ready, that she wanted to build her career first. I pressed her, said we were both in our thirties, it was time to settle, to have a family. She agreed, but after the birth she never loved him. I hoped motherhood would awaken her feelings, that shed bond with the baby, but she just drifted further away.
My eyes widened. The picture I had built of Lena crumbled in an instant. All this time Id thought she was merely temperamental, capricious. The truth was far harsher: she had been pressured into bearing a child she never wanted.
James I could only manage a trembling whisper.
A few days later Jamess holiday ended. He returned to work, effectively shifting the care of Tommy onto me. I didnt objectmy nephew was innocent in his parents quarrel.
A week passed. One morning James burst into the house, brandishing a stack of papers.
Shes filing for divorce! he shouted. And she wants to renounce parental rights to Tommy! She said on the phoneIf I wanted the child, Ill look after him myself! I have a job, a flat, I can manage. She says she doesnt need any of this!
I rocked my nephew silently, listening to my brothers tirade. With each passing day I understood Lena a little more.
The following week I was, in effect, looking after the infant alone. James would come home from work, eat dinner, and collapse onto the bed. At weekends he slept or watched television. All other chores fell to me. I began to see why Lena had fled. James contributed nothing at home, never helped, only demanded.
Finally good news arrived for meI secured a job. I found a modest onebedroom flat not far from the office. It was time to move out of that house. James, however, took the news badly.
Youre abandoning us too! What about Tommy? Who will look after him? How can you just leave?
I met his gaze calmly. I knew my words would wound him, but I echoed Lenas own stance.
You wanted the child, James. Then look after him yourself. Stop shifting the burden onto others.
Now, in my new flat, I unpacked boxes, arranging my belongings on the shelves. The quiet settled around me like a balm after weeks of infant cries and my brothers outbursts. I pulled a photograph from a boxa childhood picture of James and me, both beaming. My finger traced the image as I contemplated how even the dearest of kin can reveal unexpected flaws. The brother I had idolised proved selfish, breaking his wifes life. And Lena, once condemned by all, was merely defending herself.
I placed the photograph on the shelf and turned away. A new life stretched before me, my own at last.
