HOW I HATED HER…
A slightly crumpled sheet of paper lay in her desk drawer alongside her resignation letter. I picked it up, and something whispered to me that it was meant for my eyes. An old childhood game sprang to mindthe sort we lads played when pretending to be spies, writing secret messages to one another. Wed squeeze lemon juice onto a saucer or use milk as invisible ink, then scratch out our notes with toothpicks or cotton swabs. Holding the paper over a gas flame would reveal the hidden words. Lizzy and I had even spoken of such games once.
Barely waiting for the lunch hour, I hurried home and, trembling like a lovestruck boy, held the sheet over the flame. I was rightof course I was. It was her letter. She was every bit as mad as I!
*If youre reading this, I wasnt wrong about you,* Lizzy had written. *You guessed what to do with this scrap of paper. Things might have been different! But Ill say thisby humiliating me, you destroyed everything I once felt for you. I think you even enjoyed tormenting me. Perhaps thats all youre capable of. Just because you were hurt once doesnt give you the right to mock those who wontor cantstrike back. Did you think I couldnt have repaid you in kind? But then I wouldnt be myself.*
*You can win a battle and lose the war. Dont look for me. Goodbye.*
*Why?* I ask myself again and again. *Why did I hate her so terribly, so fiercely?*
When she first walked in, it was as though she carried sunlight, moonlight, the scent of the sea, and the sound of waves all in one. Birds burst into fantastical song, roses and lilies bloomed in an instant. Im no romantic, yet I felt it all.
The air grew thick. I burned.
Lizzy wasnt a beauty, not in the obvious way, yet there was something about her that unhinged mesomething I couldnt name.
Do you think Id never seen a pretty face before? Id known plenty, more than most. Blondes, brunettes, redheadsthough I always fancied brunettes with short crops. Flowers, chocolates, perfumes, dinnersId had it all. Loved and been loved. Flared up quick, walked away quicker if rejected, finding more willing hearts elsewhere.
I remember my first love. The parting was bitter. But in time, I learned it was better to command than to beg.
With her, thoughwith LizzyI only wanted to press my face to her warm knees, trace her soft skin, tangle my fingers in her chestnut curls, breathe her in without restraint…
She worked under me. Not the best on the team, but the one I trusted most. Tasks done on time, the hardest projects handed to hershe never faltered.
I shouted at her, relished my power over her. Why? Shed shrink, looking so fragile, and Id want to break her further. Yet she never yielded. If only shed wept! Id have wiped her tears, soothed herperhaps then everything might have changed. *I* might have changed.
I tried to catch her eye. Gave her sweets, praised her, stared until she ought to have understood without words.
I longed to touch hernot just her body, but her thoughts. And I nearly did. I swore she felt it too.
When she was near, it was like scalding water poured over me.
Once, I embraced her. She shoved me away, silent, her eyes locked on mine.
How dare she?
She was my equal, though I refused to see it. WorseI feared admitting she was the one woman meant for me. But she wasnt mine. It enraged me.
Watching her navigate lifes troubles was fascinating. She solved them all.
My mates smirked, eyeing me, thinking Id hooked her. They wanted her too. It stung, because it wasnt true.
She remained untouchable.
Id flirt with other women on the phone in front of her, stoking jealousy. Laughed, arranged dates. She never glanced my way. Just silence.
I *knew* she burned for mefelt it in my bones. She *had* to.
I thought shed endure anything to keep her job, that shed never leave. One day, shed kneel before me, and Id shower her with love. I craved it.
But pride doesnt just break wallsit destroys everything.
On Friday, she didnt come. Her phone was dead, her email blocked. The minx left her project unfinished. Shed ruined me.
Like mist, she vanished. She *was* mistalways just out of reach.
Id thought such things didnt happen.
How wrong I was.
They do.
