24April2025
I never imagined I would be the one writing these thoughts, but here I am, pen in hand, trying to make sense of the chaos that has surrounded my life for as long as I can remember.
MotherDiana Harrishas always been a force of nature. I still hear her roaring one stormy evening: Youll never have a mother again! Forget about me once youre married; act as if I never existed, and dont expect any wedding money from me. If I didnt pick your bride, I wont foot the bill for this whole charade. Those words still echo in my head.
When my little son, Harry, clung to me and whispered, Mum, youre the best in the world. Ill do everything to keep your smile, my heart swelled. I was proud to have a boy with golden curls, blue eyes, and a face that seemed cut from aristocratic mould. Watching him grow gave me a reason to scrutinise every potential daughterinlaw. Mother wanted a bride with an impeccable lineage, a polished appearance, a slender figure, a university degree, flawless manners, and a respectable job in a wellconnected firm.
The flats already mine, shed say. Now we need a proper lady to keep it immaculate, someone wholl welcome guests at three in the morning because thats what a wife and housekeeper must do.
Her demands never softened; they grew harsher. No women over twentyfive, she warned. Theyll only bear frail children. And the child must be yours, Harrys, without doubt.
Aunt Margaret tried to soften her, saying, Dear, there arent any girls these days who meet all those standards. If you want Harry to marry soon and have children, youll have to relax a little, or hell stay single forever.
Harry excelled at school and university, landing a wellpaid position at a London fintech firm. Yet his personal life was a minefield, because whenever he introduced a potential partner to Mother, she could find a thousand reasons to turn her away.
At each meeting shed say, Harry, go fetch us some fruit, and well have a chat while youre at it.
The first woman Mother met was Ethel Clarke, a modest girl from a workingclass familyher mother a clerk, her father a boilerroom operator, with two younger brothers. Ethel worked as a pharmacy dispenser, which instantly set Mothers mind racing. Shell have constant access to medicines. What if she poisons my son? Or me? No, shes not suitable. We cant have someone with such a background.
Sweetheart, you cant marry Harry, Diana snapped when they were alone. Youre too different. Hes grown up in a world youll never know. Find someone more ordinary.
Ethel left without a word, not even a goodbye. When Harry asked what had happened, she replied coldly, Ask your mother, the one who raised you in those special conditions. She says youre too good for me; Ill look for someone simpler.
Mother, why did you hurt Ethel? I liked her, really liked her, Harry pleaded.
My son, youve forgotten something, Diana said slowly. Im your mother; I know best who can make you happy. Not Ethelever. Where did you even find such a? As if there were no respectable families left.
Harry realised arguing with Mother was futile, and he drifted away. He would occasionally mention a new date, but never brought her home. When Mother offered to arrange a marriage, he politely declined: Ill pick my own wife, not you.
Just wait, I know who youll choose, Diana muttered. Youll bring home a cleaning lady whos only good for mops and dusters.
At least the floor will shine, Harry joked, earning a sharp rebuke. Dont speak to your mother like that! she hissed, before he retreated to his room.
Eventually Harry moved out of the flat Mother owned and rented out, deciding to live on his own.
My father, George Harris, had been estranged from us after my parents divorce when I was six. Hed barely spoken to me until recently, when he agreed to meet.
I left Diana because she never let me breathe. She controlled everythingwhere I went, what I did, who I talked to. When I tried to spend time with you, shed tell me Id never learn anything because I lacked a proper education. Why did she think she could raise me like a beast of burden? he confessed. She called me a useless ox, and I walked away.
I stared at him, Is that what youre happy about?
My son, I saved ten years worth of savings to buy you a flat, gave you the keys. Did she tell you that?
What? I asked, bewildered.
Dont you remember? I wanted you to have your own place, so you wouldnt have to live with her. She threatened to move you to another city if you ever spoke to me again.
His words made me see Mother in a new light. She had become the best person I knew, and I often thought I wanted a partner who reminded me of herthough that seemed absurd. Diana would smile condescendingly, Youll never find someone like me. Im one in a million, perhaps a billion.
After Ethel, there were other introductions, but none satisfied Diana. Finally I gave her an ultimatum: Either stop meddling in my life, or Ill stop seeing you.
What ingrate! she shrieked. Who do you think youre talking to? I bought you a house, funded your education. How dare you?
Enough, Mum, I pleaded. I know who really bought that flat. I spoke with Father; he told me everything.
And you believe him? she exploded. A failure, not my son, but some loser?
The loser is my father, I said quietly.
Her face turned ashen. She retreated to her bedroom, and the next morning she didn’t come down for breakfast. I knocked, heard her shout, Leave me alone and go back to your worthless dad!
I opened the door and found her slumped on the bed, hair dishevelled, dress crumpled, staring at the ceiling. It was a stark contrast to the immaculate, perfumescented woman she usually presented.
Harry, Ive figured something out, she said slowly. Marry whoever you wishwhether a Papua New Guinean with a penguinrhino mix or anyone else. Just forget that I exist. After the wedding, dont bother me, and I wont give you any wedding money. If I didnt pick the bride, I wont fund the whole farce.
I understand, Mum, I replied with a wry bow, closing the door behind me. That day I moved into the flat that had finally become mine.
Six months later I invited Mother to a restaurant to tell her about my upcoming wedding.
Who is she? she asked, indifferent.
Whatever she is, you wont like her, I said coolly. Just so you know, my fiancées name is Olivia Clarke. Shes twentysix, from a long line of doctorsvery respectable.
My word, and youre so sure of her worth? she rolled her eyes. Show me a photo.
I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture. She pursed her lips, shook her head.
This is the future mother of my grandchildren? What a horror!
The woman in the photo had an unmistakably EastAsian look.
Thats not Olivia, she muttered. She looks like Gulchatai, not Lisa.
Its halfKorean, I explained patiently.
Even better, she sneered. A cross between a bulldog and a rhino.
Shell grow on you once you get to know her after were married, I smiled.
Her breath caught at my words. After the wedding? Youre marrying me just to spite me?
Why would I? I laughed, calling over the waitress. Its for my own happiness.
Mother sat, stunned, trying to picture grandchildren with such a motherinlaw. The image was unsettling.
At the wedding, I approached my mother, sternly: No drama, please. If Olivia leaves because of you, Ill never forgive you.
She kept her mouth shut, watching us exchange vows, smile, dance, and laugh with guests. The next day the newlyweds brought a gift for Diana, but she turned them away at the door.
So, son, Ive done everything you asked. Now listen to me. Dont bring that mixedblood woman into my sight again. Do you understand? You could have a thousand wives, but Im only one mother.
The couple left, and Diana, in a fit of anger, tossed the gift into the bin. Ill take nothing from this halfbreed, she snarled.
After that, she fell ill frequently, and Olivia, ever the dutiful partner, tended to her. We hired a nighttime carer so Mother wouldnt be left alone. Diana never accepted Olivia, resentful that the son compared her unfavourably to his mother.
I told you Id find someone like you, Olivia said gently. How is she like you, then? Diana retorted, irritated by her dependence on the very woman she despised.
When the phone rang, Diana answered in a lilting tone, Hello, love. How are you? My blood pressures spiking. Could you swing by, please?
Looking back, I see that the endless battles between my mother and my partner have taught me something vital. I have learned that trying to mould other people to fit an impossible ideal only breeds bitterness and isolation. Acceptance, rather than control, is the foundation of any lasting relationship.
Tonight, as I close this diary, I resolve to walk a middle pathrespecting my mothers love while allowing Olivia the space to be herself, and, most of all, to give my own marriage a chance to flourish without the shadows of the past.
Lesson learned: we cannot shape others into our fantasies; we must love them as they are, or risk losing both them and ourselves.
