Dont disappear hell think of me straight away, I mutter under my breath, halfjoking, halfthreatening. So please, just vanish nicely, or else. I glare at him. What are you poking at me for?
What does any girl expect from a date at the cinema with a bloke?
It really depends on how far shes willing to push the boundaries.
Some girls are ready not just to invite the date over after the film, but to dive straight into a steamy rendezvous in the back rows of the theatre.
Others are more modest, preferring the classic routine: watching the movie, holding hands, then ending the evening at her doorstep.
In any case, the very fact that youre going to the cinema with a lad at his invitation signals that, for now, youre his girlfriend or at least that the spot was vacant before you showed up. That means you shouldnt end up in a scene like the one with Maud, where, in the foyer, a stranger darts up to the boy holding Mauds hand and, trembling with jealousy, cries:
Tom, whos that? Why are you holding her hand? Ive been worrying all night, thinking youve vanished, and you?
Any girl in that position would at least blush and rush away. At most shed shriek, Oh, you fickleheart, youre seeing two at once! and fling the freshly given flowers at him before marching off, heels clicking.
Maud belongs to the first, more daring group, but she never gets a chance to react because Tom, scowling, snarls at the newcomer:
Tell her to go away. She decided its over between us, so stop chasing me. Maud, come on.
Whos chasing me? You Maud cant finish the insult because Tom grabs her arm and darts toward the correct auditorium.
For her, the episode feels settled. Tom isnt dating that girl. Shes dumped him. Or so it seems, at least from Toms side. Whats the real story?
Maud decides to postpone the conversation until after the film. She doesnt want to hash it out in front of the audience, and she isnt about to ruin anyones evening. Besides, Tom paid for the tickets, so she intends to enjoy the film rather than interrogate him about the mystery woman in his circle.
After the credits roll, they step out onto the lamplit street and head toward the park that skirts Mauds flat. The topic inevitably surfaces.
I hope you didnt read anything into that, Tom says apologetically. I dont normally collect lunatics; my friends and family are all sound. This one was just a stray case.
Maud knows the subject of a partners odd acquaintances is a sore spot her previous boyfriend broke up with her because his mother and sister never accepted her. So Tom makes a point of reassuring her that theres nothing to fear.
What actually happened? Maud asks, genuinely intrigued.
We were seeing each other, Tom replies. Or at least I thought we were. You know the sort of arrangement where we go out, hold hands, kiss, and in front of others she ends up perched on my knee, calling me sweetheart and kitty?
Sounds logical, Maud concedes.
Heres another logical thing, Tom continues. A girl invites me over to fix her computer, then says the brother took it to the countryside yesterday, and offers to watch a DVD together.
Someone still uses DVDs? Maud laughs. Realising shes veering off the main question, she steers back. If a girl gives you a flimsy excuse to get you into her flat when shes home alone, Id assume she wants a cup of cake while the film plays.
Now add a sheer nightgown, fishnet stockings, heartshaped candles about ten of them a bottle of wine with nibbles, and a movie thats rated 18+, Tom adds, describing a classic, feelgood romance with a happy ending.
So you could just pop to the chemist for condoms and start the affair, Maud says, catching the drift.
Exactly. I sit on the couch, set the mood, she lands next to me, I pull her close, we start kissing, Tom narrates. I reach for her thigh under the nightgown, and she slaps me across the face. She screams, What are you doing? Im not like that!
Sounds like Id just hightail it out of there, Maud remarks.
Thats what I did. I slipped on my shoes, heard her say its over, and left.
The next day Tom messages Maud. Yesterday, the other girl called as if nothing had happened, whistling, Why havent you called or texted? I thought youd forgotten me. We were fine, werent we?
What about you? Tom asks.
Ive ignored her. Why would I bother with a lunatic? There was never any reason to stick around and wait for someone better. Im not into that sort of game, he replies.
Exactly. Now shes stalking you, hoping for what?
From her tirade I gathered she expects me to chase after her, to shower her with gifts and wait for her royal decree to descend, Tom sighs. Im not a pest. You can find a girl without all that drama. Nowadays, persistence is out of fashion. The law makes any unwanted advance a punishable offence, so theres no point in talking about it.
Maud and Tom agree: no more creative antics. If its a yes, it stays a yes; if its a no, it stays a no, without any maybe later nonsense.
The exgirlfriend is dismissed as a crazy exdream that Maud wishes to forget, unless it had been the only meeting.
Just then, as Maud walks home from university, a familiar voice calls her name.
Its Maud, right? The girl is Ellen, a classmate Maud barely knows. Hold on, we need to talk. You treated him badly, you know? He was taken, and you swooped in and grabbed him.
The boy said hes free, Ellen. And Ive told you before to back off, Maud snaps.
Who says free? Who said that? Ellen retorts, turning the tables.
Who says free? Youre the one whos meddling, Maud says, eyes narrowing.
Suddenly Tom steps in, flashing his police cap his fathers lieutenant insignia gleaming. This is my dad, an officer. Hes not interested in any of this, Tom mutters, the cheapest way to shoo away a persistent stalker.
He could have proved endlessly that the lad was uninterested, or even fought her, but that would have risked Mauds safety and earned no respect from his trainer.
Instead, Tom does what works best: he tells Ellen that Maud only talks to her dad once a year on his birthday, that his fathers stationed elsewhere, and that hell be the last person Maud turns to with her problems.
Seeing Toms photo, Ellens face crumples, she mutters a string of curses about gangsters and retreats. Tom stops pestering her from his side accounts, a fact he happily reports to Maud a week later.
Ellen confesses she only told the story so Tom would be aware, but she receives no condemnation for the manoeuvre.
People like her just dont get it. If Id known, Id have stayed away, Tom admits. She seemed decent enough on the surface.
Maud signs off with Tom, because even Ellen, despite her oddities, seemed like an ordinary lass until she opened her mouth.
In the end, it doesnt matter how many screws are loose in that womans head. The important thing is that shes finally vanished from Maud and Toms lives, hopefully for good.
Maybe shes found a willing pursuer, or perhaps Maud hopes shes found a lad worthy of her a charming rogue with a kitchenknife temper.
After all, every creature deserves a partner, so they can leave normal folk alone. Isnt that a brilliant idea?
