Ive always known the truth.
At thirtyfour, its not like Im twenty any more.
Emma was exhausted from carrying that emptyhanded load.
James, why is it always me? shed mutter. Am I a bore? Do I stink? Am I too clingy? Or maybe I just dont give enough love and tenderness.
Whats wrong with me? she asked herself.
Everyone around hertall, short, chubby, skinny, drinkers, the beautiful, the plainseemed to have partners. Everyone. And she? Still single.
Listen, Emma Lucy began, trying not to laugh. My gran used to talk about a thing, I cant quite name it a crown of spinsterhood.
No, come off it, Emma waved her hand. What, are we living in the Middle Ages now?
You dont believe it? Lucy leapt from her chair. My thirdcousins aunt lost that crown, my gran took it off her.
What gran? Emma asked, flatly, only to keep the conversation going.
Anyway, Ill ring Nina, my sistershes the one who helped take the crown off. Ill find out everything.
Ten minutes later Lucy was scribbling on a napkin, tongue tucked between her teeth.
Right, Nina hows it going? Getting married again? What about Greg? Oh, she kicked him out. No worries Ill be there. She hung up, paused.
Whats happened?
Nothing actually, yes. I need a wedding gifther sisters tying the knot again. Fifth time. That old crown must have been a heavy burden. Heres the address. You coming?
Emma shrugged. She went, but the old woman, after a quick turn, sent her back emptyhanded.
Youve got no crown.
Of course I do
What? Youve been picking the wrong men? The first left you with a kid on the doorstep, a rogue who promised the world yet was already married.
Didnt you know?
You thought something was off with you? Its not youhes a scoundrel, he abandoned you in the bushes. Life moved on.
What?
You dont need to know that. He wasnt your man.
The second wasnt either? Emma smirked.
The third wasnt either.
What third? I have no one.
The next one will be eventually.
And when will my own appear? Will she ever come?
Shell show up when youre not looking. Shell be yours, but not entirely yours. A girl cant be owned, but trust himhes steady. With him youll find a kind of happiness that feels like a warm tea on a cold morning. Patience, dont rush.
Now go and tell your friend she should see a doctor, have some herbs, go to a gynaecologist. Tell her the old woman asked me to pass that on.
That conversation had happened years ago. Desperate to find her own happiness, Emma drove to the village wisewoman. Everything the old woman said came true.
She met a fourth man, forgot the old womans words completely. He was kind, treated Emmas daughter well, but something always seemed to happensuddenly theyd be thoughtful, then vanish without explanation, as if theyd fled forever.
Then Emma met Yuri. At first she didnt realise he was the one. The flat next door had been empty for ages. When Emma moved in with her little girl, the neighbourAunt Katesaid the landlord only came by night, stayed with his mother.
One day Emma, curious as any woman, peeked through the ajar door and saw a man putting up wallpaper. She slipped out quietly; the owner must have returned.
Their first clash was in the hallway a week later. The doors in that building were oddif one was open, the other wouldnt budge, you had to close the first before the second would open. Emma rushed to work, tried the door and it stuck. The neighbour apologised, shut his flat, and Emma heard swift, light footsteps.
Later, she blocked his exit on purpose. They met again on the common area; he let her be the first to open the door.
One afternoon Yuri helped Kristine lift her bicycle; Emma baked scones and handed them to him. In the park Yuris son, a lad about Kristines age, joined them. The kids ran off on the swings while Emma and Yuri chatted merrily.
Six months on, Yuri asked her out, introduced her to his family, and they started living together. Before moving in, he laid his cards on the table.
Emma Im not a twentyyearold lad, nor a brute. Im a grown man with my own opinions and temperament. I promise, if you live with me, I wont cheat. Ill do the heavy lifting, help out, earn an honest wage. I dont drink, I dont smoke. No nasty habits. Ill respect you, value you Im sorry, I cant love you the way Id like to, Ive tried.
What? Im not a stone, I do have feelings for you, just not the kind you expect. Im not a perfect lover, but Im not a heartless brute either.
Do you need a man like this? My wife used to call me a scoundrel
Im telling you all this because you might think Im playing the hero, making a show of myself.
It happened that I fell for a girl in my youth you stand next to her and feel warm, it was wonderful then. It didnt work out. She saw me as a friend, I tried for years to push her out of my heart, but failed.
Did I need to talk to her? Emma asked, voice strained.
Did I look like a whiner, a deer in headlights? Yuri replied, laying it out plainlywhy we should be together, saying he loved her more than life. He didnt whine, just asked to be heard. She had just split from her husband, and he
She said gently shed always treated him as a brother. He tried to prove it didnt matter whether she loved him; he loved her anyway. She listened, then asked why hed broken up with Inna.
I told her I didnt love her.
And? she shrugged. Shes pretty, smart, lively. You dont love her, but she loves you. Whats the point?
He realised shed been showing him, with a tiny nudge, that she didnt love him. He couldnt stay with someone he didnt love, yet somehow hed tried to force her to love him.
So he married. He didnt crawl around like a mummy; he lived, laughed, like everyone else. But whenever he thought of the woman he truly loved, love felt like a curse. He felt like a wounded man, unable to give a woman happiness. Women listen with their ears, not to be hurt. He couldnt lie.
Dont think Im babbling, feeling sorry for myself, he said. I just want you to decide if you can live without fireworks, without big emotions. My wife couldnt.
Think about it, he urged.
Emma thought it over, and a week later she joined his big, boisterous family. They welcomed her and her daughter warmly. Shed been scaredwondering if theyd see her as a substitute, or pity her. But everything turned out fine.
She never regretted marrying Yuri. He was reliable; everything fell into place. She tried not to dwell on passion, but occasionally, a stray glance from him would spark a memory of the past love. It never affected their life together.
And then, once more, that fleeting look came.
Was it painful for Emma? She placed her hand over her heart and thoughtany woman dreams of a man changing for her. Shed married not for a grand love, but grew to love him. He was an ideal husband.
That blurred gazehe didnt love her in that way, but it was there.
Emma? Yuri called, watching her wash the windows on a bright spring morning, the sun scorching the sill. He sang softly as he worked, then stepped into the room, admiring his wife.
He felt free, liberated, as if hed finally met his true love, just to be happy to see her. Suddenly he turned to Emma.
Whats up, love? Something happen?
Nothing. He lifted the curtain gently, twirled across the room, dancing.
Nothings wrong, Emma you cant imagine how good everything feels.
He kissed her, finally realising how much she meant to him.
Emma thought, the old woman hadnt liedshed simply said, just wait.
Good morning, dear ones! May your love, if it hasnt found you yet, flutter to your windows. And if its already there, cherish it. Sending you warm hugs, a splash of sunshine, and all the good vibes. Always yours.
