23April London
I can still hear my own voice echoing in the kitchen that night: You have no mother any more! I shouted at Sam, my only son, as if the words could cut the rope that bound us. Forget you ever had a mother. After youre married I want you to pretend I never existed. I wont even give you a penny for the wedding. If I didnt pick your bride, I wont pay for this charade.
Sams little arms wrapped around me later that afternoon, his voice trembling with innocence: Mum, youre the best in the world. Ill do everything to keep you smiling. Those words turned my chest insideout. I was proud to have raised such a cherubic boygolden curls, blue eyes, aristocratic cheekbones. When he grew, I began scrutinising every potential daughterinlaw with a list that would make anyone gasp: noble lineage, immaculate appearance, a trim figure, a university degree, flawless manners, and a respectable job in a prestigious firm.
The flat is already Sams. All we need now is a proper lady to keep it spotless and ready to welcome guests at three in the morning. Thats her duty as wife and housekeeper, I told myself, tightening the requirements with each passing day.
I barred anyone over twentyfive, fearing theyd birth a weak child. And the child must be Sams, without doubt. My sisters warned me, Tessa, youre dreaming. No woman today meets your standards. Either let Sam marry and have children, or hell stay single forever.
Sam excelled at school and university, landed a wellpaid senior analyst role, yet his love life stalled. Every time he introduced a prospective partner, I found a thousand excuses to drive her away. At each meeting I would say, Sam, could you slice some fruit while we chat?
The first girl, Annie, came from a modest backgroundher mother a clerk, her father a furnace operator, two younger brothers. Annie worked as a pharmacy assistant, which made me wonder: She has constant access to medicine. Could she poison my sonor me? No, shes not suitable. Her family are labourers; we need something more refined.
You cant marry Sam, I whispered to Annie in a hushed corner. Youre too different. He grew up in a world you cant imagine. She left without a word, not even a farewell to Sam. When he asked why, she replied coldly, Ask your mother, who raised you in such privileged circumstances. She says youre too good for me; Ill look for someone simpler.
I confronted Sam later, Why did you hurt Annie? I liked her, truly liked her. What did I tell you?
He answered slowly, Mum, you think you know who can make me happy, but it isnt Annie. Where did you find that?
I realised I could no longer argue with Sam, so he withdrew, occasionally mentioning a new girl but never bringing her home. I offered to help him start a family; he politely refused, Thats my life with my wife, not yours. Ill choose my own partner.
I know exactly who youll pick, I muttered, some cleaning lady with nothing on her mind but mops and buckets.
Sam laughed, At least the floors will shine.
I snapped, Dont speak to me like that! He retreated to his room, and I decided to move him out of our shared flat into the property I owned, which we had previously rented out.
My exhusband, who left when Sam was six, had been absent for years. Recently he agreed to meet. He confessed, I left Tessa because she never let me breathe. She monitored my every move. When I tried to spend time with you, she accused me of being unqualified, of not having a degree. She treated me like a beast of burden. I finally walked away, refused child support, and lost parental rights.
Sam asked, Youre happy about that?
His father replied, I bought a flat for you, gave you the keys. Did she tell you?
Sam was stunned, What?
My exhusband repeated, I saved for ten years to give you a place of your own. If you stay with her, youll have no life of your own. She doesnt regard anyone as a person.
Sam pressed, Why didnt you talk to me before?
I didnt want you to suffer. Tessa threatened to whisk you away to another city, so I kept my distance.
Those words shifted Sams view of me. He began saying he wanted a partner who reminded him of his motheran impossible standard, I thought.
After Annie, I met several other candidates, none passed my test. Finally Sam set a condition: Either you stop meddling in my life, or Ill cut off contact with you.
What ungrateful brat, I snapped, Didnt I give you a home, an education?
Sam pleaded, Mum, enough. I know who really paid for that flat. I talked to dad; he told me everything.
I exploded, You trust that my exhusband? That loser?
Sam replied, Hes my father, even if hes a failure.
My face flushed with shame. I retreated to my room, and the next morning I stayed in bed, refusing breakfast. Sam knocked, shouting, Leave me alone and go to your worthless dad!
He opened the door, found me slumped on the bed, hair dishevelled, dress rumplednothing like the polished woman I usually presented.
Ive realised something, I said slowly, marry whomever you like; I dont care if its a man from the Pacific with a penguinrhino mix. Just forget you ever have a mother. After the wedding you wont bother me, and I wont give you any wedding money. If I didnt choose your wife, I wont fund the whole nonsense.
Sam smiled wryly, bowed his head, and closed the door. That day he moved into his own flat.
Six months later I was invited to a restaurant where Sam announced his engagement.
Whats her name? I asked, nonchalant.
Youll hate her anyway, he replied coldly. Her name is Lucy, twentysix, from a long line of doctors. A respectable girl.
Where did you get such confidence? I rolled my eyes, Show me a photo.
He pulled out his phone, displayed Lucys pictureher features unmistakably East Asian.
This is not Lucy, its some Gulsomething, I muttered, Why call her Lucy?
Sam explained, Shes halfKorean.
Even better, I sneered, A bulldogrhino mix.
Hell love her once you get to know her after the wedding, Sam said, smiling.
My breath caught. After the wedding? Youre marrying anyway? Just to spite me?
Why would I do that? Sam laughed, called the waiter.
I sat in disbelief, trying to picture my grandchildren with such a mother. It was a horrible thought.
On the wedding day I instructed Sam sternly, No drama. If Lucy leaves because of me, Ill never forgive you. I felt forced to shrink like a weed beneath a towering oak, watching Sam and his radiant bride receive congratulations, dance, and share tender glances.
The next morning the newlyweds delivered a gift for me, but I barred them at the door.
Listen, son. Ive done everything you wanted. Now you listen to me. Dont bring that mixedup creature into my house. You can have a thousand wives, but Im only one mother.
They left, and I tossed the present into the rubbish.
Never will I accept this halfblood, I spat.
Soon I fell ill frequently; Lucy began caring for me, hiring night and day carers so I wouldnt be alone. I could not accept her help, resenting that I now depended on the very woman I despised.
You said youd find someone like me, I complained, Where is the resemblance?
Lucy answered sweetly on the phone, Hello, darling. My blood pressures a bit wobbly. Could you pop round and check on me?
And so the dance continues, a tangled web of love, control, and reluctant dependence that I never imagined would define the later chapters of my life.
