Youll vanish and hell instantly think of me, she warned, eyes flashing. So Im asking you nicelydisappear the decent way, or else She jabbed a finger at my face. What does any girl expect when she goes to the pictures with a bloke?
It all depends on how far a girl is prepared to push the boundaries. Some are bold enough not only to invite the chap home after the screening but to make a move in the back rows of the cinema itself. Others are more modest, preferring the traditional route: watching the film, holding hands, and ending the night at the doorstep of her flat.
In any case, the very fact that youre there at his invitation tells him youre, at least in his eyes, his girlfriendmeaning the slot was vacant before. Hence there shouldnt be any drama like the one that unfolded with Ethel in the foyer, when a second girl swooped in, grabbed his arm and, with a jealous edge, demanded, James, whos that? Why are you holding her hand? Ive been losing sleep, worrying youve disappeared, and you?
Any sensible girl would blush and retreat. At most shed scream, Youre a twotimer! and storm off, her heels clicking away, clutching the bouquet hed just given her.
Ethel fell into the more daring camp, but she never got the chance to react because James, darkeyed and angry, snarled at the stranger, I told you to leave. If you think were over, stop chasing after me. Ethel, come on.
Yes, whos chasing you, you Ethels retort was cut off when James yanked her arm and whisked her toward the appropriate screen. To her, the episode seemed settled. James wasnt seeing the other girl. Shed been dumped. Apparently.
At least thats what James claimed. The truth, however, was another matter.
Ethel decided to postpone the discussion until after the film. She didnt want to air their private issues in front of the whole audience, and she didnt intend to disturb other patrons. Besides, James had bought the tickets, so they might as well use the paidfor seats rather than interrogate him about mysterious girlfriends.
When the credits rolled and they stepped out onto the lamplit street toward the park near Ethels block of flats, the topic slipped out naturally.
I hope you didnt read too much into it, James said apologetically. I dont usually collect lunatics; my friends and family are normal. It was just one odd one that turned up.
Ethel knew the subject of a crazy partner hit a sore spother previous boyfriend had split up with her because his sister and mother wouldnt accept her. So James was quick to reassure her that there was nothing to fear.
What actually happened? Ethel asked, genuinely curious.
We were dating, or at least I thought we were. You know the sort of relationship where you stroll together, hold hands, kiss, and in a crowd she sits on my lap, calling me sweetheart and kitty? James replied.
Makes sense, Ethel admitted.
And you know whats also logical? If a girl invites you over to fix her computer, then says the brother took it to the village yesterday, but offers you a DVD to watch instead. He chuckled.
Someone still uses DVDs? Ethel raised an eyebrow. Realising shed drifted off topic, she answered, If a girl gives you a flimsy excuse to come to her flat when no ones home, Id guess she wants a cup of tea and a film.
Now imagine the room lit by sheer curtains, lace stockings, heartshaped candlesmaybe ten of themwine, nibbles, and a film rated 18+, James continued, adding detail. A typical lovestory ending, you know?
Ethel instantly pictured the scene and thought, Right, off to the chemist for a condom then.
I thought the same, James said. I sat on the sofa, the mood set, she landed beside me. I put my arm around her, leaned in, and… before I could even slip my hand under the lace, she slapped me hard and shouted, What are you doing? Im not like that!
Ethel laughed, Id have walked out of there in a heartbeat.
Thats exactly what I did. I slipped on my shoes, heard her say it was over, and left.
The next morning she texted me. He rang me up yesterday like nothing happened, asked why Id stopped calling, said wed been fine. I replied, Im ignoring him. Why bother with lunatics? It never worked for me to stay around a girl just hoping something better comes along. Im not into that sort of thing.
She answered, She keeps pestering me, expecting what?
I gathered from her insults that she hoped Id keep chasing hersending gifts, waiting for a royal decree to descend upon me, James said. Im not a fool; you can find a girl without those games. Nowadays, pursuing someone is practically illegalany refusal can land you in trouble, so whats the point?
Ethel and James both swore thered be no odd antics. If its a yes, its a yes; if its a no, its a nono tricks. She dismissed her ex as a lunatic and tried to forget the whole episode like a bad dreamif it had been a oneoff.
Later, as Ethel was heading home from Kings College, a familiar voice called her. It was Harriet, an old acquaintance, who barely knew Ethels name. Hold on, we need to talk. You treated him badly, you know? He was busy and you swooped in and took him.
The bloke said he was free, Harriet. Ive told you more than once to leave me alone.
People say if you disappear hell think of me, so Im asking you nicelyvanish the decent way, or else Harriet snarled, pulling a badge from her coat. Thats my dadyoull recognise the captains insignia. Hes a police officer, you see. It was the cheapest way to brush off a relentless pursuer.
They could have proven endlessly that James wasnt interested, that Ethels presence wouldnt affect his friendship with Harriet. They could have fought, but a brawl would have only worsened things for Ethel, and no trainer would have praised that.
Harriets move turned out just right. Though James only saw his father once a year for birthdays, and the captain was stationed in another city, he was the last person Ethel would turn to with her woes.
The crucial point was that when Harriet saw a photo of James, she blanched, muttered a string of curses, and fled. James stopped getting harassed from random accounts, which he proudly told Ethel a week later.
Ethel recounted her own stunt simply so James would know the whole story, receiving no condemnation for her tactics.
People like that never get itif youre decent, they wont understand. Id have never gotten involved if Id known, James admitted, but she seemed normal at first glance.
Ethel agreed; Harriet had seemed like any ordinary girl until she opened her mouth. By then it didnt matter how many screws were loose in that ladys head. The important thing was that Harriet had finally disappeared from Ethel and Jamess lives, hopefully for good.
Perhaps Harriet found someone else to pursue, or maybe Ethel herself hoped to meet a proper gentlemana bit of a narcissist with kitchenknife ambitions.
After all, every creature needs a partner, so they can leave decent folk alone. Isnt that a lovely idea?
