Evelyn finds herself alone early on. Her father has been gone for years and she loses her mother while she is in her final year at university. It is a hard time: she has her dissertation looming and now this grief. The only close people left are the parents of James, her boyfriend, who step in to support her.
Evelyn and James have studied together since their first year and started dating in the third year. Jamess mother Margaret and his father Peter treat her kindly and with warmth, and they respect her mothers memory. Everyone looks forward to the day she finishes her degree and the two marry.
The wedding is modest. Evelyn feels sad that her mother almost lived to see it, and she remembers her mothers words: Before you marry, you must have a checkup, my dear. Evelyn knows why her mother warned her. As a child she suffered a serious injury when she slipped off an icy slide. She spent months in treatment and doctors feared it might affect her future womanly health. They monitor her, but no one can give a definite answer.
It is unsettling. Before the wedding she undergoes the recommended examination again, and although she is generally recovering well, the question of whether she can have children stays open.
First she talks to her future motherinlaw, who pauses and says, If theres even the slightest chance, dont lose hope now; Ill speak with James myself. After his stag night James arrives at Evelyns flat a little tipsy and upset. I really want children, Evie, understand? What if we cant? Would that still be a family?
She breaks down and tells him the decision is his, but they can try. The doctors give her a glimmer of hope, and James is the only man in her life.
The first year of marriage brings no positive result. Margaret worries just as much as Evelyn, whom she loves dearly. Evelyn and James put a lot of effort into keeping their marriage, and they send Evelyn to a specialist clinic in Manchester under the Womens Shield programme, which has good success rates and could help realise her dream. It still does not work. After two years it becomes clear there is no hope. Evelyn feels desperate. James supports her as best he can, but tension grows at home. James does not blame her, yet he cannot accept a childfree life either. Evelyn suggests adopting a baby. Lets take a little one in and raise them as our own. James refuses. That child will never be mine, and I wont be able to love him as a father. Understand me, Evie. I cant do that.
Strangely, Jamess parents back his decision. They know how much their son longs for his own child and feel it would be wrong to raise a child who would grow up unloved.
Evelyn brings up divorce herself, even though she still loves James. She does not want to torment him. Lets part, James. Youre still young; youll find another wife and have children. James does not decide right away, but when he meets Olga, a vibrant new colleague who has just started at his firm, he feels a shift.
The conversation with Evelyn is painful, especially for James. He thinks he is abandoning her, leaving her to fate, and she replies, Everyone has their own destiny. You deserve a better one. Im okay with that. Dont blame yourself. That night James packs his things and leaves Evelyns flat. Her parentsinlaw drop by. Evelyn, forgive us for not steering James better. Remember he stayed over a couple of nights, sometimes drunk and upset. We feared hed drown his sorrows. Were sorry for you and for him. They share tea, speak from the heart, and promise never to turn away. They say she will always be like a daughter to them.
The talk brings little relief. Evelyn thanks them, cries all night, and agrees to the separation. They split quickly, keeping the house they shared together. Evelyn remains in the family flat, while James soon remarries.
She does not stay alone long. A kind, goodnatured man named Paul enters her life, trying his best to care for her, but Evelyn does not love him. She continues to dream of James, who appears in her sleep, looking sad, his eyes sorrowful, his hands reaching for her but never quite touching. She battles these thoughts, yearning to change her life.
Winter finds Evelyn very ill. One evening she is at Pauls, has cooked dinner, tidied up, and suddenly feels weak. By nightfall her temperature spikes. Paul calls an ambulance and keeps her at his flat. The next morning he is unusually quiet, tending to her alone. When she recovers, he confesses, That night I barely left your side. You called his name, grabbed his hand, called him Jimmie, begged me not to leave. Do you still love him? Evelyn does not try to spare his feelings. Yes. I love him. I think Im a oneheart kind of person. Its hard, Paul. I cant build a relationship without love. She walks out for good. He does not argue.
Soon after, Evelyn learns that James has a longawaited son. The news hits her like a blow; the pain feels final and irreparable. She drifts for three years in a fog, sometimes visited by Jamess parents as promised, who offer moral support. She bears no hatred toward them or toward James.
One day she spots James with his son in a park, but she does not approach; he does not notice her. Tears flow again, a lingering love and a sense of betrayal.
Gradually she begins to pull herself together, comforted by the fact that James is happy. His parents tell her he has a good, caring wife, though he treats them with some coolness, and they adore his son Eddie. They ask her not to hold a grudge. I never felt cheated by you. He loved in his own way, and I insisted on the divorce, she replies.
On her birthday James calls, casually, to wish her well and ask how life is. His friendly tone rattles her, and she decides its best to keep distance.
A year later, tragedy strikes: Olga, Jamess wife, falls ill. Margaret calls her, saying there is no hope, weeping for her son and grandson. Evelyn, still watching from afar, feels helpless.
At the cemetery Evelyn stands behind the crowd, not knowing why she came but unable to stay away. A former motherinlaw embraces her shoulder and whispers, Thank you, dear. Theres no malice in you. James never notices her. Months later he rings again, brief, asking to visit. Evelyn lets him in, thinking he must be struggling.
He has changed; age seems to have caught up with his onceyouthful vigor. They sit at a set table and talk about life. Why havent you remarried? he asks. She answers simply, I love you. I need no one else. James tears up.
It is strange and moving; she has never seen him cry before. Lets go to the parents house; Eddie is there, I need to collect him, and we can take a walk if youre okay. The boy is sweet but very shy, understandable after losing his mother so young. Evelyn stays neutral, not overstepping, while Eddie watches her with curiosity.
Their meetings become a regular weekend habit, with no obligations, just easing each others loneliness. Then Margaret calls, saying James intends to ask Evelyn to return to him, though hes still undecided. Its been a hard year for him, and Eddie suffers. Evelyn immediately calls James and says shes willing. There is nobody she values more. They move back together. It is difficult; James remains distant and reticent, and she has to learn to love a child who is not hers.
On Evelyns next birthday little Eddie draws a picture of the three of them under the sun, with a childlike hand writing Mum above her head. She bursts into tears, hugs him, and says, Your mother watches over you from above and is proud of how wonderful you are. I love you too. Youre my son now.
They live peacefully. James thaws, accepts her love, and becomes the caring, affectionate man he once was. Evelyn finally feels happy, regaining the life she had dreamed of during years of solitude. She is not religious, but sometimes she visits a church and lights a candle for the soul of the woman who left this world, yet gave her a beloved son and a loving husband.
