Kate is a rather oldfashioned young woman and she is desperate to get married. Modern women hardly care about marriage: why haul a whole pig into the house when a single sausage will do? Nowadays sausages of every type and size line the shelves. Simple cohabitation is already welcomed and no longer carries the shame it once did.
Back then a strict moral code, shame, pride and propriety still ruled, but today those ideas feel unnecessary. Even Oblomov isnt painted as a negative figure any more he lives off regular stipends from his family estate, a comfortable rentier. If you hand a smartphone to Ian, he instantly becomes a successful blogger who has made it.
When it comes to family life, the motto is live as you like. Couples meet in hotels, book hourly flats the whole guest marriage concept makes the oldfashioned rush to the registry office look absurd. Nobody wants to discover a partners quirks after the wedding; in the past a missing sock or a bad cabbage soup was a tragedy. Now far scarier things lurk: childish dependence, momcomplex and a chronic nothingdoing attitude in men, plus the same vanity in women.
And of course there are endless demands from both sexes, not just bread and spectacles youll have to buy your own loaf anyway. Shopping, of course, remains a must.
Kate stands out as a pleasant exception: she is attractive without any modern bodymodding, holds a prestigious university degree and a solid job that pays a respectable salary in pounds. Yet men pass her by, strolling past in tidy rows and coupling with other women, stepping straight onto the same old ruts.
She isnt short of admirers shes a looker after all but none of them ever get to the registry office. She will turn thirty next year. In the old socialist talk a woman under sixty was still a young mother, but she refuses to have a child on her own.
She still trusts horoscopes, or rather astrological forecasts, believing theyre a clever way for opportunists to swindle cash. In hard times the predictions are all bright: On Tuesday morning a fateful meeting with a billionaire awaits you! So she packs a toothbrush just in case his intentions turn serious.
Her search follows the zodiac. She is a Sagittarius, a fire sign, and alongside Aries and Leo the only calm one.
Her first great love blooms in her first year at university an age now dismissed as toddlerlike, barely eighteen. Back then sex education was rudimentary; today its far more progressive, so the old go roam with your pistils jokes feel antiquated.
Soon a creative block hits. She must cover the utility bills, travel costs and food. The shock hits when she realises she must buy groceries herself instead of raiding a family fridge. Her parents used to fund her, but she now lives alone and their allowance wont stretch for two.
Her boyfriend, Vadik, is taken aback.
Dont you think youll buy the food? he asks, genuinely puzzled.
Why should I? she retorts.
But the fridge is yours and Im not the head of the house! he explains, trying to be logical.
If thats all, I can hand you the full authority be the household chief! Kate offers.
The next day Vadik vanishes, even stops greeting her, despite them sharing a lecture group. Their romance fizzles before the registry office ever sees it.
She still loves Vadik, after all he was her first.
In her third year a new steady boyfriend appears, not from university. Sergey is well over thirty, divorced, and declares, Well marry, love! He has serious intentions, but Yuri (the next man) lacks a stable job. This is before the newfangled health scares and special operations that later complicate life.
Yuri works as an analyst, yet when Kate suggests he try courier work to make ends meet, he scoffs. Im an analyst! he boasts. Can an analyst be a courier? she replies calmly. Drive and analyse as you wish Ive spent my last quid on groceries.
He pleads, Ask my mum! Say were having a temporary setback.
She retorts, quoting Mayakovsky, Time is a terribly long thing! and adds, If you cant ask for food, then dont ask at all!
Yuri, a Capricorn, is supposed to be diligent and reliable, reinforcing Kates lingering belief in horoscopes.
The third suitor, Len, also follows astrology; they meet on an online forum and soon develop genuine feelings. He keeps calling their signs zodiacs, which irritates Kate.
Why do you keep twisting the word? she asks.
Its funny, he shrugs.
Their banter is peppered with nonsense words Snedurka, Strevadesa, Dubina Regovick that Len thinks are witty. By the time Kate reaches twentysix, his constant wordplay grates on her.
Both have good jobs and are free; Yuri, now divorced, has an adult son. Initially Len is shy, then becomes more confident.
A scandal erupts at a family gathering when Kates grandfather, a retired MI5 officer, calls Yuri Zerzhinsky and bursts into laughter.
Later Len, a Taurus (earth sign like Capricorn), proves especially touchy.
Kate then meets Peter, a man with no aggravating traits whatsoever. Hes divorced, childless, handsome, comfortably off, welleducated, has a sharp sense of humour and a tidy onebed flat. Hes a Virgo, another earth sign famed for thriftiness.
They decide to move in together. Peter asks to be registered at Kates address the modern equivalent of putting someone on your electoral roll.
Why? Kate asks. Youre already registered at your flat!
Peter, bewildered, replies, We love each other, arent we a family now? Everything should be shared!
Kate jokes, Write my flat into yours, please wait, did I start on the right foot? Do you believe in God?
Peter, flustered, eventually says, Alright, Ill register you, and youll register me.
Where? he wonders.
In my flat now everythings ours!
But you dont live there! he protests after a pause.
If its only about paperwork, lets alternate months: one month at mine, the next at yours, Kate suggests, still hopeful despite the growing emptiness of the arrangement.
Peter falls silent, unable to craft a clever retort.
Fine, Kate continues, it sounds reasonable.
The idea of registering a stranger in your home feels absurd, yet they try.
Eventually they head to the cinema, Peter asking, Shall we go?
Sure, Kate agrees, relieved that hes not angry he already paid a deposit for a restaurant reservation.
She then asks, Will you still register me, Pete? Im not sure we finished that conversation.
Peter looks away, shuffles, and leaves, and Kate watches him go, noting that they never even made it to the official ceremony.
Most of Kates friends have walked down the aisle one for half a year, another for a year, the third in a quiet joke wedding. Kate herself has cohabited with several civil partners for over a month each, and love was there in each case.
Love, however, isnt just a feeling; its about actions. In Kates world, many suitors never truly loved her. As the saying goes in a lessfriendly part of the world, There are no bad people, just bad matches.
Now, at just over thirty, Kate stops obsessing over marriage. She receives a promotion, upgrades her grannys tiny flat to a twobedroom house, buys a secondhand car and takes a short vacation. She concludes that life is turning out well.
Moreover, the fertile age has been stretched to sixty, so she could still have a child for herself if she wished, and sausages continue to fill the market in abundance.
