24May
Im sitting on the edge of the sofa, fingers nervously pulling at the corner of the blanket. After yet another shouting match with James, I feel like evaporating, disappearing from his life for good. Divorce would be an option, but I cant muster the courage to file papers. Two years of marriage now feel like a nightmare, and the last six months have been the worstJames has turned into a cruel household tyrant, inventing a fresh excuse to nag me every day.
This morning began with something trivial. I had ordered a new facial cream.
Spending money on fluff again? James snapped the moment I walked in with the parcel.
I tried to explain, but he wasnt listening.
Do you ever think about us? Or only about yourself, dear? A cream? You could have spent that on something usefullike helping my parents.
James, why the hostility? I work, I have my own earnings, and I always help your parents, you know that.
He blew a puff of air, eyes flashing. Youre sending pennies to them! They need real help, you selfish thing. You spend almost everything you earn on fancy ointments and cloths!
His voice rose, his stare was like a bolt. I broke down in tears. As usual, he slammed the door, leaving me alone with my sobs and a crushing sense of helplessness. He always does thispresses his point, then walks away.
I remember how it all began. James seemed perfect: attentive, caring, loving. Over time something shifted, or perhaps I never saw the real James at first.
That evening James came home. I was in the kitchen with a mug of tea.
Why are you crying again? he asked without looking at me.
No you just hurt me.
I hurt you? Youre to blame. Think about what youre doing.
What am I doing wrong? I whispered.
Everything! You never try. Im exhausted from work, and you? You spend half the day tapping away at a keyboard, half the day just sitting at home!
I work too, not less than you, I snapped, then immediately regretted it.
Whats your job? You earn pennies! Im the one supporting the family. You should be grateful, Emily. Ive never heard a thankyou from you in all these years, even though Ive earned it!
Im grateful, James but that doesnt give you the right to speak to me like that.
How am I supposed to talk to you? Youre always dissatisfied, your constant tears annoy me! Why do you paint me as a monster?
James youre never satisfied. Im scared to say a word, scared to buy anything, scared even to rest during the day. I cant lie down after lunch! If you find out, youll start shouting right away. My mind isnt steel; I cant control myself any longer.
Stop whining! You always play the victim. Its nauseating! His contempt was so palpable it made my stomach hurt.
I dont understand whats happening, I whispered, why are you like this?
Just behave, dont anger me and everything will be fine.
I looked at him. There was no warmth left in his eyes, only irritation.
Maybe we should talk to a counsellor? I suggested.
Counsellor? You need one, youre the crazy one, James cut me off. You make problems out of nothing.
Those words hardened my resolve. James grunted, ate something quickly, and turned to the TV. I fetched my old notebook and began sketching an escape plan. Everything had to be thought through.
—
26May
I left the flat earlier than usual. I needed a quiet café to clear my head. With a cup of coffee in front of me, I opened the notebook and wrote:
Step one: find parttime workneed more money than now.
Step two: rent a small flat or a room.
Step three: pack my things.
Step four
A familiar voice called my name.
Emily? It was my former schoolmate, Claire.
Claire! What a surprise! I managed a smile.
Its been ages. What are you up to? Working here?
No, just needed a place to think, I said evasively.
You look pale. Something wrong? Feeling ill?
I hadnt heard genuine support in years. I never complained to my parentsI didnt want to upset them, and James had been pushing everyone away. Overwhelmed, I broke down.
Claire, everythings awful. James constantly criticises and humiliates me. I cant take it any longer. Im terrified hell become violent during our fights.
Claire listened without interrupting.
I want to leave him, Claire. I really do, but Im terrified. I dont know where to start. How will I live afterward?
Emily, run! I wont let you be alone. Come stay with me for a while. You remember the address, right? And dont shy away from help. There are free counselling services for women suffering under tyrannical spouses.
I didnt even know those existed.
Now you do. Most importantbelieve in yourself. Youre strong, youll get through this.
After work we met again, and after a twohour chat I felt like a different person.
—
28May
I returned home to find James already waiting, glued to the television.
Where have you been? he asked, not turning.
Out, I replied.
Youve been out a lot lately. Got a lover?
A cold shiver ran through me.
What are you talking about? I snapped.
What? I wouldnt be surprised if you were cheating. Youre quite the flirt.
James, thats enough, I said, weary. I dont want to hear this any longer.
What do you want to hear? Compliments? Youll manage.
I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.
James, we need to talk.
About what? My infidelities?
No, about us. Our marriage.
And what do you want to say?
I want a divorce.
He stared at me, stunned.
What did you just say?
I said I want a divorce. I cant live like this any more. You constantly belittle and criticize me. Im miserable beside you.
Youre out of your mind! Divorce? Who will you be without me? Nobody! You should be grateful Im still with you.
I owe nobody anything. I want to be happy.
Happy? You think youll be happy without me? Youre wrong. Youre useless. Do you understand?
I stayed silent. I didnt want to argue any longer; my decision was made.
Im leaving tomorrow, I said calmly.
Where will you go? Youre penniless! he shouted.
Thats none of your business. Ill manage.
I wont let you go! Ill find you and make you regret ever being born, you wretched woman! I gave you everything, I brought you into society, and you
I didnt answer. I turned and walked toward the bedroom to gather my belongings.
James spent the night on the couch. That night I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, thoughts spiralling. Fear of the future, fear of solitude, fear of never finding happiness haunted me, but the greatest terror was staying with James.
—
29May, early
I woke before dawn, washed my face, dressed and headed to the kitchen. James was already at the table, coffee in hand.
Youre not going anywhere, he warned. Dont even think about running while Im at work!
Ive already decided, I replied.
I wont allow it!
Enough, James
You dont understand what Im saying!
He rose from his chair and approached. I stepped back, terrified.
Dont come near me, I pleaded. James, stay away!
He shoved me against the wall. My head struck the plaster and I fell to the floor. The man I once loved raised his fist. I closed my eyes, bracing for the worst.
—
30May
Neighbors, having heard my shrieks at first light, called the police. Officers arrived, took me to the hospital. After I was discharged, I filed for divorce immediatelyour marriage had collapsed beyond repair.
