Oi, Vinnie Vinnie, wake up, you lazy sod! Youll sleep your whole life away if I let ya. Look at him, will you? Still snoring Victor, get up, or youll miss your chance at happiness, I swear it!
Adelaide Margaret, for pitys sake, let a man sleep!
Sleep? Youll sleep when youre dead! Up you get.
Yeah, and Ill sleep even better *after* that.
Not if I have anything to say about it. Come on, shift yourself! Go wash up, have a shave, smarten uptheres still time. Move it.
Time for *what*, Adelaide Margaret?
Youll see.
Victor dragged himself to the bathroom, grumbling under his breath. He knew better than to argueunless he fancied a slipper to the back of the head. Bloody woman. Even now, she was still bossing him about.
Vinnie, did I ever tell you I can read minds sometimes? No? Well, now you know, Adelaide said, perched cross-legged at the foot of his bed like some meddling buddha. Side effect of the afterlife, I reckon. Now go on, wash properly, brush your teeth, and *do* something about that faceyou look like a bushwhacker.
Arguing was pointless. Shed been impossible in life, and death hadnt changed that.
Adelaide wasnt just his ex-mother-in-lawshe was a ghost.
Yep.
No, he wasnt off his rocker. No, he hadnt hit the bottle too hard. One day, Adelaide Margaret had just appeared. After theyd buried her.
I hear your thoughts, you know, she said, floating toward him. Most of the time. How *did* my Linda put up with you? Youre a right dinosaur, you are.
Victor waved her off and trudged to the sink.
He and Linda had divorced a year ago. Kids were grown, living their own lives. Linda had suddenly decided he was a *tyrant*, said he stifled her personal growth, packed a bag, and stormed out.
Hed been baffled.
Called her up, and shed shrieked about him being a *misogynist* and a *Neanderthal*words hed never been called before.
How was he meant to *stop* being a Neanderthal when his literal job was building houses? Bloody ridiculous. Shed got it into her headprobably from some poncey life coachthat their marriage had been *oppression*. As if hed *forced* her to make bangers and mash.
(Lindas mash *was* heavenly, though)
Halfway through shaving, an idea struck him. Victor bolted into the hall, razor still in hand.
Adelaide Margaret! Adelaide Margaret!
What? Stop bellowing!
Adelaide Margaretteach me how to make your stew. Please.
Oh, *now* he asks! As if Id give away my secret recipe!
What, you gonna cook for the devil down there?
Ugh, you *wretch*.
Lindas stews better than yours, anyway.
*WHAT?!* I *taught* her, you ungrateful git!
And she improved it, Victor shot back, still shaving in the doorway. Hed given up on decencyAdelaide wasnt letting him sleep in today anyway.
She flickered indignantly. Oh, you *think* you know stew, do you? What meat does our Linda use, eh?
Beef, obviously.
You *plonker*its *lamb*!
Oh, and I suppose it *has* to be in *that* pot, not *this* one?
YES, the *blue* oneare you *daft*?!
By the time they finished, Victor had scribbled the whole recipe in a notepad.
He sat at the kitchen table, clean-shaven, eating the most glorious stew of his life.
Mum youre a genius.
*What?*
This stew its *perfect*.
What about *Lindas*?
Pfft. Doesnt hold a candle. Waitare you *crying*? Can ghosts cry?
Dunno, Adelaide sniffed. Youre a right git, Vinnie.
Oh, lovely. Whatve I done *now*?
Nothin just called me *Mum*, didnt ya? Now look at me, blubbering like a fool.
Waityou were trying to *set me up*?
Well I was sposed to send you out with the bins at 6:45all fresh and shavedand Gladys from next doord bump into you. Forty-seven, never married, just moved in
And then?
Dunno, Adelaide muttered, her ghostly eyes darting.
Adelaide *Margaret*.
Fine! Youdve got together, and Idve been free to *move on*!
So youve known this whole year?
Course I have!
Then why not *do* it?
Cos you *distracted* me with your bloody stew!
*My* fault?!
Yes! Now Im stuck here until until
Until *what*?
Until youre *happy*, you daft sod!
Happy? With some strange woman? I *am* happy! Ive got your stew recipe now. And *you*keeping me from turning into a right slob. Blimey, Ive even got *company*. What more dyou want, *Mum*?
Oh, *piss off*! she shrieked, vanishing into the wardrobe. Sobbing echoed out.
Victor sighed and grabbed a duster.
Not like *that*use the *yellow* cloth! Honestly, Victor
***
Linda hadnt slept well. Dreamt of her mumyoung, beautiful, reaching for her
She tried watching her life coachs latest video, but it wouldnt load. So she rang him.
The man was *always* available.
No answer.
*Who the hell calls at 7 AM?!* a groggy voice snarled.
Linda slammed the laptop shut. That *wasnt* the enlightened guru shed handed half her savings to.
She didnt know why, but she *had* to see Victor.
***
Victor and Adelaide were playing chess, laughing like old mates.
Hes lost it, Linda thought, watching her ex-husband chat to *no one*.
Linda! Your mums move*checkmate*!
The chess pieces *moved by themselves*.
You look peaky, love. Mum says youre not eating. Fancy some stew? Her secret recipe.
Vic are you *okay*?
Never better! Mums teaching me her roast next.
Vic your *mum* died. A *year* ago.
Yeah. Shes been haunting me since.
Linda paled. Vic *please* tell me youre joking.
Ask her something only *shed* know.
Mum what was my first pets name?
*Fluffy*, that mangy hamster.
Linda collapsed into a chair.
Shes fading, Lin, Victor murmured. But she loves you. Wants you happy. Wants *us* happy. Adelaide*wait*!
Thengone.
Victor woke with a gasp. Linda jerked upright beside him.
Lin?
Vic was that a *dream*?
The bedroom door flew open.
Up, you layabouts! Were going to the *cottage*Linda, no more of this life-coach rubbish. Victoryoure *learning* to cook.
Adelaide Margaret stood there, *very* alive.
Mum?!
*Dream*?! Blimey, you twowhat *were* you drinking last night?
***
As they packed, Victor paused.
Adelaide Margaret whyd I never call you *Mum* in thirty years?
She smirked. Dunno *son*. “Maybe you needed a year without me to figure it out,” she said, zipping up the suitcase with a snap. “Now move itI want proper fish and chips by noon, and youre driving. Victor grinned, shaking his head. “Still bossing me about, then?”
“Damn right,” she said, tossing him the keys. “And dont think I wont do it all the way to the coast.”
Linda laughedthe first real one in yearsand hugged her mother tight.
Outside, the sun broke through the clouds, and the old cottage down by the sea waited, quiet and full of ghosts of a different kind.
