“Shell regret this!”
Thats what Simon thought when his wife, Emily, suddenly announced she was filing for divorce. The worst part? Just yesterday, everything was fineshe was washing his socks, ironing his shirts, and nowdivorce papers! No warning, no reason! Simon worked hard, never raised a hand, barely went out, and drank in moderation.
“What more does the daft woman want?!” he fumed. “Found herself some flash git, has she? Well, shell regret it! Shell come crawling back in tears! Just waitIll show her! Shell realise, but itll be too late!”
While he stewed in his own indignation, Emily was saying the same things shed been saying for the last two years:
“Im tired of carrying everything on my own! I work, I clean, I cook, I look after our son. Im exhausted! Do you know what I figured out? You cost more than you bring in! When you disappeared for three days last month, I realised life was easier without you! The house is cleaner, quieterI dont have to fry up steaks just for you! The stove stays spotless because I can make a shepherds pie and it lasts two days without you inhaling it in one sitting! I want my life to be easier. Im worn out! Ive turned into some exhausted mum dragging shopping bags everywhere. I dont even like myself when youre around! Youre embarrassing, expensive, and exhausting!”
“When was the last time you read to Alfie? Never? When did you take him to the park? Bathed him? What does he hear from you besides ‘Go away, Im tired’? Do you even know what school hes starting? His nursery teachers name? When his prep classes are? You dont care! You live in the same house, but you might as well be a ghost! He either sees you drunk on the sofa with a lager or asleep on the sofa with a lager! What kind of example is that? Why does he need a father like you? Do you remember his birthday? No? Then whats the point of you? I wont live with you anymore!”
“Does she ever get bored of repeating herself?” Simon had wondered just yesterday. Emily delivered this same speech most evenings while he shoveled sausages straight from the panor whatever shed cooked. “Typical nagging,” hed dismissed it. “Too much time on her hands, needs drama.”
Everything was fine! And nowdivorce! Out of nowhere!
“Shell regret it! Thinks some other bloke will want her? A thirty-year-old single mum? Ha! Ill walk out now, and shell come begging in two days! And Ill think twice before taking her back!”
“Ive packed your things. I cant stand the sight of you. Get out.”
“Fine!” Simon chewed his last sausage. “Ill go. But whether I come backthats another question!”
He gave her one last chance to change her mindlingered with his shoes, rustled the bags, hovered by the door. But she didnt budge. “Stubborn cow,” he thought bitterly, mourning the uneaten sausages as he left.
Off to his mums, then. She launched into the same nonsense: What happened? Why did she throw you out? What did you do? It cant be for no reason!
“Oh, it can! She can chuck me out for no reason!” Simon insisted. “I did everything for this family! Worked my fingers to the bone! And its still not enough! Always moaning about boots or coats! Wants some rich bloke, doesnt she? Bet shes already found one! Bored, was she? Not enough attention!”
His mum clucked and called Emily. But the phone call clearly went nowhereno one summoned him back.
“Fine! Shell regret it! Whod want a single mum with a kid?” Simon reasoned, picking up discounted lager at Tesco.
At the first court hearing, Emily looked polishednew haircut, maybe makeup. Smiling, even. She answered questions tersely: No real family for years. No help, no support. Never bothered with the kid. “Just typical hysterics,” Simon muttered, his hands shaking. He needed a drink but held offdidnt want to reek of booze in front of the judge.
The judgea woman, naturallysmirked:
“Do you drink excessively?”
“I barely touch the stuff!” Simon scoffed. “Two pints after work, max! This is stressmy wife left me!”
“Right,” she said dryly, granting three months for reconciliation.
Simon glanced at his almost-ex. Still no regret?
“Ugh, are you ever sober?” she wrinkled her nose. Apparently not.
“Fine, Ill wait,” he decided. “Lets see how she sings in three months! No man to lean onshell come crawling!” He loved imagining Emily begging. Hed refuse. Only return on his terms!
But for three months, Emily ignored the courts suggestion. No calls, no texts. Acted like he didnt exist!
“Shes definitely found someone!” Though cautious Facebook stalking and questioning mates turned up nothing. “No one wants her,” they said.
So, Simon prepared for triumph. Surely shed cracked by nowrealised how bleak life was alone.
“Shell be sobbing!” he bragged to his mum. “Shell withdraw the petition any day!”
But at the next hearing, Emily wasnt smiling. Just focused, firm. No wavering. “Waiting for me to grovel,” Simon guessed. “Not happening.”
Before he knew it, they were divorced. He didnt objecttechnically. Then came the awkward bit.
“Who keeps the child? Any requests?” the judge asked.
Emily pounced: “With me. His fathers never shown interest. Ask him when Alfies birthday is.”
“Simon, when is your sons birthday?” the judge smirked.
Simon fumbled for his paperssurely it was in there.
“No peeking!” the judge chided. Bloody women sticking together. A male judge wouldnt ask this nonsense.
“Third of June!” Simon blurted.
“Its today! Alfies birthday is today!” Emily snapped. “You dont even remember! Its the sixth! Hes seven!”
“Did you at least wish him happy birthday on the third?” the judge quipped.
Who let these women run the courts? Simon stayed silent.
“Any objections to custody arrangements?”
“No!” he barked.
Naturally, the kid stayed with Emily. “Probably slap me with child support next,” Simon seethedbut then perked up. Now shed break down! Her life was ruined! Divorced, single mumno one would want her!
But outside, Emily was chatting with a friend:
“Tracy! Fancy seeing you here!”
“Just court stuff. You?”
“Finalised the divorce! Free woman now!”and she laughed.
Laughed! Simon gawked. Her life had just imploded, and she was giggling! “Women are mental! No sane person laughs on divorce day! She needs her head checked!” He stormed over.
“Thought youd be crying, but you dont care?!” Simon exploded. “Youll regret this! Ill sue for the house! And Alfie! Youll see!”
“The house was my nans,” Emily said calmly. “And since when do you care about Alfie? Whats actually wrong?”
“Whats wrong?!” Simon ranted for agesruined the family, stole his son, kicked him out, probably had some bloke lined up, doomed to die alone with cats.
Long after Emily left, he kept muttering: “Shell regret this.”
